I have a father who treats me as a baby. time to time he brings something for me to eat like candies, some fruits or anything. sometimes i don´t want but i eat just to make him happy. But this same father also gave me many reasons to cry...
although hes this nice guy, he used to do some weird stuffs in the past.
He used to give shit to my mom and say he would leave and never be back again and I was there watching. A 4 yrs old girl seeing her dad screaming at her mom who always showed herself so fragile... she always accepted things like a fatality of destiny I guess. she just cryed, she didnt complain, she never told him to fuck offffffffff. damn!!!
I remember seeing my mom crying as he took his things. I cryed a lot also seeing him to leave us. sometimes for one day, sometimes one week, sometimes a month... then he would come back as nothing happened. we were all in silence at home, no one said one word at all about what happened till time would make us to forget. Once, as a teen, he came back after doing that again and I didnt say hi for many days. Then he went to complain to my mom. I started talking to him again for fear...
Remembering those times make me feel angry but still I try to analise his own life, his past... his parents died before I was born, and we were never too close to his family so i dont have much information.
I know his dad was a rude man who once forced him to eat a whole can of dessert cause he was crying for more lol
my dad also tells (laughing, by the way) that when he was a kid one of his brothers died and someone went to tell his dad when he was about to leave to work (he was a rail conductor). he answered: "put some sault on his body and keep it on freezer for when i come back" well, he swears it was true but if not, he wouldnt do a joke like that unless he has a terrible image abt his dad. I also hear my dad telling about his own adventures during his youth, so maybe he felt stuck after marriage and couldnt deal with his own feelings and his cowardice didnt allow him to admit that, so he would find some excuses to leave home... I don´t know... Who am I to assume anything...
anyway, I used to suffer a lot everytime he did all that. and so did my mom.
this is just a summarize of something that happened really often in the past. And I guess all this caused a damage to my life. I'm a confused person and the more I try to understant myself, the more I feel confused.
Yeah I know... too easy to blame someone for our own weaknesses...
I feel guilty cause my dad treats me as a baby, and honestly I love him! just wish I could remember just the time he used to tickle me and make me laugh. =)
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