whats freedom...

Today I got myself thinking about freedom!
Whats Freedom?? how many people lost their lives fighting for it... the search for it must be something genuine.
fisrt you are stuck inside your dad's balls and someday, you feel all that frenzy, you feel like your close to freedom... and you run all the way to get out of there and you see yourself stuck again, now inside your mom's egg! you stay in her uterus for long nine months till you go through another hard journey. Have you found freedom yet???
you can´t walk, you can´t tell how you feel, you are now stuck in a tiny body, depending on someone else to feed you, to take care of you...
When you become a teen your parents still tell what you can or can not do. If you are a girl, you will still have your husband to do that after you get free from your parents...

Life outside is also not that easy...
You take a bus and someone decides to listen to a song out lowd (pretty common after ipod's invention) and you are FORCED to hear it!!!
when you buy something or pay for a service, there are many taxes included in the price, which means you HAVE TO pay them.
you stuck yourself at home to get free of criminous people!
you are watched by cameras in the supermarket, in the bank, in the streets!!!
You pay with your freedom to live in society and secure! wherever you go, whatever you do, you are always under conditions, you are always stuck somehow.
Stuck inside a house, a relationship, rules,...stuck inside your own feelings... if you runaway your still stuck in a planet, your stuck in your own limitations!

some believe that the real freedom comes after you die...
hmmm well... after you die you get stuck inside a coffin.
I guess freedom lies on your thoughts! the only place no one can watch, interfere or stop you!

If you feel stuck somehow, look for freedom on your mind!

picture taken from the bus through the window, on my way to work. More on my orkut :)

Its not easy to be me...

I have a father who treats me as a baby. time to time he brings something for me to eat like candies, some fruits or anything. sometimes i don´t want but i eat just to make him happy. But this same father also gave me many reasons to cry...
although hes this nice guy, he used to do some weird stuffs in the past.
He used to give shit to my mom and say he would leave and never be back again and I was there watching. A 4 yrs old girl seeing her dad screaming at her mom who always showed herself so fragile... she always accepted things like a fatality of destiny I guess. she just cryed, she didnt complain, she never told him to fuck offffffffff. damn!!!
I remember seeing my mom crying as he took his things. I cryed a lot also seeing him to leave us. sometimes for one day, sometimes one week, sometimes a month... then he would come back as nothing happened. we were all in silence at home, no one said one word at all about what happened till time would make us to forget. Once, as a teen, he came back after doing that again and I didnt say hi for many days. Then he went to complain to my mom. I started talking to him again for fear...
Remembering those times make me feel angry but still I try to analise his own life, his past... his parents died before I was born, and we were never too close to his family so i dont have much information.
I know his dad was a rude man who once forced him to eat a whole can of dessert cause he was crying for more lol
my dad also tells (laughing, by the way) that when he was a kid one of his brothers died and someone went to tell his dad when he was about to leave to work (he was a rail conductor). he answered: "put some sault on his body and keep it on freezer for when i come back" well, he swears it was true but if not, he wouldnt do a joke like that unless he has a terrible image abt his dad. I also hear my dad telling about his own adventures during his youth, so maybe he felt stuck after marriage and couldnt deal with his own feelings and his cowardice didnt allow him to admit that, so he would find some excuses to leave home... I don´t know... Who am I to assume anything...
anyway, I used to suffer a lot everytime he did all that. and so did my mom.
this is just a summarize of something that happened really often in the past. And I guess all this caused a damage to my life. I'm a confused person and the more I try to understant myself, the more I feel confused.
Yeah I know... too easy to blame someone for our own weaknesses...
I feel guilty cause my dad treats me as a baby, and honestly I love him! just wish I could remember just the time he used to tickle me and make me laugh. =)

My Day

Today is the new year's celebration in China and also the day of the "independence of Indian Republic"...In China people must be making new year's resolutions... in India people must be remembering what they had to go through to get their Independence...


In Brazil, I celebrate my birthday!! making many resolutions and dreaming abt independence...


Yeah... 26 years ago I became a "world's resident" as the Indian people, to get their indepence, I also went through a war against millions of sperms, eager for breaking the ovum and become a new life lol yeah I'm a winner... somehow...and as the chinese people... I'm making my own resolutions. "birthday resolutions"
although it has rained lately, God decided to give me a lovely sunny day as a gift. Last night I went to church and, believe you or not, I heard God talking to me through the priest´s mouth =) well thats a matter of faith. He said exactly what I wanted to hear. maybe the sensibility of PMS time has helped a lot, but I cryed as a child lol


Yesterday I had a nice combination of barbecue, friends and pics. I would add a phone call... but you can´t have all you want.

It´s funny, I've been always looking for... looking for happiness, looking for a dream, looking for the true love (if exists...) and I'm tired... my birthday's resolution is: stop looking for!!! I wanna be found! I will just hope theres someone in the world willing to look for me...

I'll be off for a while, off of this virtual world. not for so long though... but I need a break!!!

beirut - elephant gun

Listening to this song makes me feel like runing on some nice road with a wonderful landscape with wide open arms, feeling the wind on my face and my hair flying... I can almost fly...

although I can just understand some loose words... lol its abt the melody

The Intensity of a short life!!!

I take a bus every single day...
I watch the landscape leaving behind with kid's eyes, eager for the unknown...
Its like my life passing by... Im a traveler on this world and it bothers me to know I'll be left behind...
I feel my life draining through my fingers. Wish I could just close my hands and keep it!
Today I feel so alive! I wanna take every vestige of life that still left me, put inside a bottle and drink at once!! I wanna get drunk with life!
I wanna dance! I wanna cry! I wanna scream! I wanna laugh! I wanna hug! I wanna kissssssss!
I wanna fall in love desperately! I wanna live!!!

Live with all the possible intensity, with no regrets, no guilty!!!


Guess I must be suffering from some kind of excess hormone... ahahahaha

remembrances

I cant´t even remember how many times I was disapointed with stuff I had planned for so long and when they happened, they didnt reach my expectations. "expectations" that´s where the problem lies... I always expect for the best, for the perfect! and once it comes true, the reality shows itself quite boring.

In the other hand, unplanned things have always gone above the best expectations.
mosquitos at night... dog's water to drink... barefoot on burning sand, stomachache caused by excess of wine... we don´t plan things like that for a perfect day, but these little "crazy details" give a special taste to remembrances that will last forever in my mind. remembrances of days I was happy being myself, being exactly where I wanted to be.

When we have no expectations even the star lights seem to bright more on a silent night where all we can hear is the sound of the waves telling us to share, to feel, to love...
as the snow stuck inside a "snowglobe" all these feelings are here, stuck inside my heart, just waiting to be shaken...

I love pictures!!!

It's been cloudy lately. the colours get amazing when the weather is like that. the green gets greener, the contrast among the colours make things more alive... I'm planing to go around taking pictures of everything. It might be relaxing. I love taking pictures... A picture extracts the best of something or someone. its just a matter of angle. which can be a good or a bad thing... You might get disapointed with the real thing after you've seen just "A piece of the truth" ( that's how I use to define picture) With the advent of the digital camera and photoshop, my definition makes even more sense.
So, my advise... Don´t get so delighted cause of a picture, it might be just a nice shot... hehehe

getting older...

4 days left...
Every day I wake up older but wihin 4 days I'll be oficially older...
It's gonna be special cause, well, u only make 26 once in life!!! lol
WOW how can I keep this "teen" way of life when im almost on my 30's?
not sure if this is good or bad...
anyway...
i keep writing things and deleting... my subjectivity doesnt allow me to post some stuffs here ahaha otherwise I'd be like "dear diary, today he was on line" lol
sometimes subjectivity gets me bored though...
well, I was talking about my age!
I'm close to 30! It was not on my plans to be a single girl with no kids at the age of 26... but I am. It doesnt suck as much as I thought it would. But I still dream about it! Although I've had some frustrating experiences with love, I never give up of it!
No, im not drunk! just sleepy... and my brain doesnt seem to work so well tonight.
I'll go to bed and hope for some inspiration for the next days...

drama drama drama

Wish I could post here whats going on. But I can´t let myself mess my life even more...
maybe I´m missing the chance to become all my endless drama into a Woody Allen's movie lol he could read this eventually... u never know.
but its ok, I guess I can live anonymously hehe
I just can´t handle my life the way it is.
I guess maturity never came into my life, and now I'm having a hard time trying to fix things messed by my imaturity.
I'm always afraid to miss a chance... then i get them all... but deep inside I know which one i want to pick! even though I don´t know if its the best for me.
Wish I could die for awhile, till things cool down and then come back :) but I'd be also afraid to realize I'm not missed by anyone...
i guess I found a new adjective to describe myself...
---- COWARDICE ----