How can something loose its own essence? is that possible? My essence is passion! I have this passionate soul, wich I don´t know if it´s a gift or a misfortune. It might seem cute in other people´s eyes but painfull to my poor heart!
Thats why I decided to become this cold hearted monster who uses the heart just to bomb its blood to the rest of the body =P
jeez....
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
sometimes i make questions which I previously know the answer. sometimes I take some actions which I already know the reactions. sometimes I let myself go into when I know how hard is going to be to get back.
People around find me clever, some say im strong... I guess im better pretender. I dont tell the mistakes I make and dont show my tears, at least not as often...
time passes by in a non stoping way and im still here wondering wht I was made for.whats my goal... I know my desires, my wishes, the things that make me breath deep... but getting these things is a hard task.
Am I strong enough to go through life? or life is just going through me?
When I find things that would probably make me happy, I find out they are further than the distance tht sepates us...
People around find me clever, some say im strong... I guess im better pretender. I dont tell the mistakes I make and dont show my tears, at least not as often...
time passes by in a non stoping way and im still here wondering wht I was made for.whats my goal... I know my desires, my wishes, the things that make me breath deep... but getting these things is a hard task.
Am I strong enough to go through life? or life is just going through me?
When I find things that would probably make me happy, I find out they are further than the distance tht sepates us...
Friday, February 20, 2009
I try to find reasons to be mean!
there were many events that happened during my childhood that show up in my mind and get me thinking if that somehow affected my personality. guess i should stop reading Freud... (actually I don´t... just thought it would be something nice to mention) I´m sad... but my sense of humor is always around lol
Today I saw this aunt, actually not really aunt. shes married to my uncle so i call her aunt. She called my mom to say she was coming here and her daughter wanted to talk to me. i thought they would borrow my camera then I analised if she deserved to get my camera lol
I didnt want to lend it... that might sound mean but honest at least.
Then this reminded me of the day this aunt got married with my uncle.. I was going to be her bridemaid. (over here bridemaids are kids) I was so excited it was almost a dream to wear a nice dress and walk along the church carrying the wedding rings... and also I was already too old for being one. guess i was 6 or 7... and I had a chance for doing that... it would be great!
then, in the last minute,they said I wouldnt go, they found someone else...
I dont remember much from that day, I just can see myself crying lying on the sofa. a poor little girl having a big disappointment... who was the other little girl? some cuter kid? with a better dress? I guess I didnt go to watch the wedding... also remember my mom trying to make me feel better... Don´t know why things like that come to my mind... but well, she doesnt deserve my camera! thank God she asked something. something I could say yes easily cause I´d have a hard time saying yes or no for my camera! lol
Today I saw this aunt, actually not really aunt. shes married to my uncle so i call her aunt. She called my mom to say she was coming here and her daughter wanted to talk to me. i thought they would borrow my camera then I analised if she deserved to get my camera lol
I didnt want to lend it... that might sound mean but honest at least.
Then this reminded me of the day this aunt got married with my uncle.. I was going to be her bridemaid. (over here bridemaids are kids) I was so excited it was almost a dream to wear a nice dress and walk along the church carrying the wedding rings... and also I was already too old for being one. guess i was 6 or 7... and I had a chance for doing that... it would be great!
then, in the last minute,they said I wouldnt go, they found someone else...
I dont remember much from that day, I just can see myself crying lying on the sofa. a poor little girl having a big disappointment... who was the other little girl? some cuter kid? with a better dress? I guess I didnt go to watch the wedding... also remember my mom trying to make me feel better... Don´t know why things like that come to my mind... but well, she doesnt deserve my camera! thank God she asked something. something I could say yes easily cause I´d have a hard time saying yes or no for my camera! lol
Thursday, February 12, 2009
things
I am a teacher!
wow that sounds to heavy, almost scary...
I teach teens.
I teach two different classes, two different levels, but close levels.
The disparity btween the classes is impressive! Unreal! the education level in Brazil is bellow zero =( specially when your talking about Ceará, my State.
That was a real big change in my life and I'm enjoying it a lot.
Right now im preparing my religion class for tomorrow, trying not to be tendentious... I will just show them an "impartial" view of the 5 religiouns with the biggest amout of followers.
I also teach portuguese gramar and english.
I might not be the best, im really far from that... but I really wish to make the difference to someone!
I'm not used with the term "teacher" but im willing to give my best to deserve the tittle!
wow that sounds to heavy, almost scary...
I teach teens.
I teach two different classes, two different levels, but close levels.
The disparity btween the classes is impressive! Unreal! the education level in Brazil is bellow zero =( specially when your talking about Ceará, my State.
That was a real big change in my life and I'm enjoying it a lot.
Right now im preparing my religion class for tomorrow, trying not to be tendentious... I will just show them an "impartial" view of the 5 religiouns with the biggest amout of followers.
I also teach portuguese gramar and english.
I might not be the best, im really far from that... but I really wish to make the difference to someone!
I'm not used with the term "teacher" but im willing to give my best to deserve the tittle!
Friday, January 30, 2009
whats freedom...
Today I got myself thinking about freedom!
Whats Freedom?? how many people lost their lives fighting for it... the search for it must be something genuine.
fisrt you are stuck inside your dad's balls and someday, you feel all that frenzy, you feel like your close to freedom... and you run all the way to get out of there and you see yourself stuck again, now inside your mom's egg! you stay in her uterus for long nine months till you go through another hard journey. Have you found freedom yet???
you can´t walk, you can´t tell how you feel, you are now stuck in a tiny body, depending on someone else to feed you, to take care of you...
When you become a teen your parents still tell what you can or can not do. If you are a girl, you will still have your husband to do that after you get free from your parents...
Whats Freedom?? how many people lost their lives fighting for it... the search for it must be something genuine.
fisrt you are stuck inside your dad's balls and someday, you feel all that frenzy, you feel like your close to freedom... and you run all the way to get out of there and you see yourself stuck again, now inside your mom's egg! you stay in her uterus for long nine months till you go through another hard journey. Have you found freedom yet???
you can´t walk, you can´t tell how you feel, you are now stuck in a tiny body, depending on someone else to feed you, to take care of you...
When you become a teen your parents still tell what you can or can not do. If you are a girl, you will still have your husband to do that after you get free from your parents...
Life outside is also not that easy...
You take a bus and someone decides to listen to a song out lowd (pretty common after ipod's invention) and you are FORCED to hear it!!!
when you buy something or pay for a service, there are many taxes included in the price, which means you HAVE TO pay them.
you stuck yourself at home to get free of criminous people!
you are watched by cameras in the supermarket, in the bank, in the streets!!!
You pay with your freedom to live in society and secure! wherever you go, whatever you do, you are always under conditions, you are always stuck somehow.
Stuck inside a house, a relationship, rules,...stuck inside your own feelings... if you runaway your still stuck in a planet, your stuck in your own limitations!
You take a bus and someone decides to listen to a song out lowd (pretty common after ipod's invention) and you are FORCED to hear it!!!
when you buy something or pay for a service, there are many taxes included in the price, which means you HAVE TO pay them.
you stuck yourself at home to get free of criminous people!
you are watched by cameras in the supermarket, in the bank, in the streets!!!
You pay with your freedom to live in society and secure! wherever you go, whatever you do, you are always under conditions, you are always stuck somehow.
Stuck inside a house, a relationship, rules,...stuck inside your own feelings... if you runaway your still stuck in a planet, your stuck in your own limitations!
some believe that the real freedom comes after you die...
hmmm well... after you die you get stuck inside a coffin.
I guess freedom lies on your thoughts! the only place no one can watch, interfere or stop you!
hmmm well... after you die you get stuck inside a coffin.
I guess freedom lies on your thoughts! the only place no one can watch, interfere or stop you!
If you feel stuck somehow, look for freedom on your mind!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Its not easy to be me...
I have a father who treats me as a baby. time to time he brings something for me to eat like candies, some fruits or anything. sometimes i don´t want but i eat just to make him happy. But this same father also gave me many reasons to cry...
although hes this nice guy, he used to do some weird stuffs in the past.
He used to give shit to my mom and say he would leave and never be back again and I was there watching. A 4 yrs old girl seeing her dad screaming at her mom who always showed herself so fragile... she always accepted things like a fatality of destiny I guess. she just cryed, she didnt complain, she never told him to fuck offffffffff. damn!!!
I remember seeing my mom crying as he took his things. I cryed a lot also seeing him to leave us. sometimes for one day, sometimes one week, sometimes a month... then he would come back as nothing happened. we were all in silence at home, no one said one word at all about what happened till time would make us to forget. Once, as a teen, he came back after doing that again and I didnt say hi for many days. Then he went to complain to my mom. I started talking to him again for fear...
Remembering those times make me feel angry but still I try to analise his own life, his past... his parents died before I was born, and we were never too close to his family so i dont have much information.
I know his dad was a rude man who once forced him to eat a whole can of dessert cause he was crying for more lol
my dad also tells (laughing, by the way) that when he was a kid one of his brothers died and someone went to tell his dad when he was about to leave to work (he was a rail conductor). he answered: "put some sault on his body and keep it on freezer for when i come back" well, he swears it was true but if not, he wouldnt do a joke like that unless he has a terrible image abt his dad. I also hear my dad telling about his own adventures during his youth, so maybe he felt stuck after marriage and couldnt deal with his own feelings and his cowardice didnt allow him to admit that, so he would find some excuses to leave home... I don´t know... Who am I to assume anything...
anyway, I used to suffer a lot everytime he did all that. and so did my mom.
this is just a summarize of something that happened really often in the past. And I guess all this caused a damage to my life. I'm a confused person and the more I try to understant myself, the more I feel confused.
Yeah I know... too easy to blame someone for our own weaknesses...
I feel guilty cause my dad treats me as a baby, and honestly I love him! just wish I could remember just the time he used to tickle me and make me laugh. =)
although hes this nice guy, he used to do some weird stuffs in the past.
He used to give shit to my mom and say he would leave and never be back again and I was there watching. A 4 yrs old girl seeing her dad screaming at her mom who always showed herself so fragile... she always accepted things like a fatality of destiny I guess. she just cryed, she didnt complain, she never told him to fuck offffffffff. damn!!!
I remember seeing my mom crying as he took his things. I cryed a lot also seeing him to leave us. sometimes for one day, sometimes one week, sometimes a month... then he would come back as nothing happened. we were all in silence at home, no one said one word at all about what happened till time would make us to forget. Once, as a teen, he came back after doing that again and I didnt say hi for many days. Then he went to complain to my mom. I started talking to him again for fear...
Remembering those times make me feel angry but still I try to analise his own life, his past... his parents died before I was born, and we were never too close to his family so i dont have much information.
I know his dad was a rude man who once forced him to eat a whole can of dessert cause he was crying for more lol
my dad also tells (laughing, by the way) that when he was a kid one of his brothers died and someone went to tell his dad when he was about to leave to work (he was a rail conductor). he answered: "put some sault on his body and keep it on freezer for when i come back" well, he swears it was true but if not, he wouldnt do a joke like that unless he has a terrible image abt his dad. I also hear my dad telling about his own adventures during his youth, so maybe he felt stuck after marriage and couldnt deal with his own feelings and his cowardice didnt allow him to admit that, so he would find some excuses to leave home... I don´t know... Who am I to assume anything...
anyway, I used to suffer a lot everytime he did all that. and so did my mom.
this is just a summarize of something that happened really often in the past. And I guess all this caused a damage to my life. I'm a confused person and the more I try to understant myself, the more I feel confused.
Yeah I know... too easy to blame someone for our own weaknesses...
I feel guilty cause my dad treats me as a baby, and honestly I love him! just wish I could remember just the time he used to tickle me and make me laugh. =)
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