Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Im pregnant!!!18 weeks and 5 days pregnant! I've so dreamed about that and now it happened!!!
Pregnancy brings, besides a baby, a package of fears, insecurities, doubts that make me wonder if Im really ready for that. But who really is...
I'm always wondering if I'm eating the right food, doing the right things to go through the pregnancy safely.
Tuesday I went to work like the other days... I rode my bike to the firm bus stop in the darkness of the winter mornings of this land. At 5pm I sat again in the bus to come back home after a exhausting day. Yes, pregnancy takes ur energy away... On the way back i looked at the landscape through the window and started wondering about death. (been doing this quite often) Just thought... is there really life after this? or is it all nonsense? but if not, what is all this about? all this life around popping out the floor (or vaginas) and thats it? it ends when it ends? it also seems nonsense! and as a kinda religious person, thinking about this makes me feel guilty and scared of God. Anyway...
The driver is a middle aged man who can't even stand erectly. his back is kinda curved. I've noticed he drives kinda dangerously. Fast and dont keep much distance of other cars. I guess I was right about that... At some point of the highway we crashed! Yes!!! I've been living on this earth for almost 30 years but I happened to have a car accident when Im 18 weeks pregnant!
I was sitting right behind the driver with the seat belts fastened. with the impact, my seat went a lil forward. I was in panic and started asking people to get me away from there in my own language, which is portuguese :P when everybody else speaks dutch... guess ur genuinely yourself in a desperate situation. I finally got rid of the seat belts and went to seat somewhere else. A colleague asked: Did your water break? then I noticed my pants were wet! I just got in shock. I could just say... " Please God! don't let me loose this baby!" I called my hubby who was in another city. Jesus! I could have caused him an accident!!! he ran as fast as he could to the hospital i'd be in. He is all I have here, and Id say I have a lot!
the 3 people seating behind didn't have a thing but the guy next to me seemed to be hurt, the driver and the other man seating next to him too. I've heard the driver got a broken rib. Anyway, I didn't think much about the others, I was "selfishly" ??? thinking about my baby. I was sad, I was nervous but most of all I was angry! Why in Gods name, now??? Seating there with my wet pants crying desperately I just wondered that all my effort to keep my baby healthy during pregnancy had been pointless!
I got to the hospital with pain on my right breast due to the seatbelt. got x ray, blood and urine exam... but all I wanted to know was about the baby. But the ultrasound machine seemed to be busy... time to time someone would come to me and check something and then went to whisper to each other. I just hate these doctor whispers!!! I finally got to examine my baby! the gynecologist didn't see any sign of loose of amniotic fluid. Apparently I peed on my pants :p due to the press of the seat belt on my bladder. I saw the little life inside me and heard his/her fast heartbeats. what a relief!
After 24h in the hospital I'm back home. Some parts of my body are really painful but the new most important part of me is safe! =)
I just want to stop thinking like "and if"... and enjoy the gift of life that, in my case, has just gotten better every day!!!
Pregnancy brings, besides a baby, a package of fears, insecurities, doubts that make me wonder if Im really ready for that. But who really is...
I'm always wondering if I'm eating the right food, doing the right things to go through the pregnancy safely.
Tuesday I went to work like the other days... I rode my bike to the firm bus stop in the darkness of the winter mornings of this land. At 5pm I sat again in the bus to come back home after a exhausting day. Yes, pregnancy takes ur energy away... On the way back i looked at the landscape through the window and started wondering about death. (been doing this quite often) Just thought... is there really life after this? or is it all nonsense? but if not, what is all this about? all this life around popping out the floor (or vaginas) and thats it? it ends when it ends? it also seems nonsense! and as a kinda religious person, thinking about this makes me feel guilty and scared of God. Anyway...
The driver is a middle aged man who can't even stand erectly. his back is kinda curved. I've noticed he drives kinda dangerously. Fast and dont keep much distance of other cars. I guess I was right about that... At some point of the highway we crashed! Yes!!! I've been living on this earth for almost 30 years but I happened to have a car accident when Im 18 weeks pregnant!
I was sitting right behind the driver with the seat belts fastened. with the impact, my seat went a lil forward. I was in panic and started asking people to get me away from there in my own language, which is portuguese :P when everybody else speaks dutch... guess ur genuinely yourself in a desperate situation. I finally got rid of the seat belts and went to seat somewhere else. A colleague asked: Did your water break? then I noticed my pants were wet! I just got in shock. I could just say... " Please God! don't let me loose this baby!" I called my hubby who was in another city. Jesus! I could have caused him an accident!!! he ran as fast as he could to the hospital i'd be in. He is all I have here, and Id say I have a lot!
the 3 people seating behind didn't have a thing but the guy next to me seemed to be hurt, the driver and the other man seating next to him too. I've heard the driver got a broken rib. Anyway, I didn't think much about the others, I was "selfishly" ??? thinking about my baby. I was sad, I was nervous but most of all I was angry! Why in Gods name, now??? Seating there with my wet pants crying desperately I just wondered that all my effort to keep my baby healthy during pregnancy had been pointless!
I got to the hospital with pain on my right breast due to the seatbelt. got x ray, blood and urine exam... but all I wanted to know was about the baby. But the ultrasound machine seemed to be busy... time to time someone would come to me and check something and then went to whisper to each other. I just hate these doctor whispers!!! I finally got to examine my baby! the gynecologist didn't see any sign of loose of amniotic fluid. Apparently I peed on my pants :p due to the press of the seat belt on my bladder. I saw the little life inside me and heard his/her fast heartbeats. what a relief!
After 24h in the hospital I'm back home. Some parts of my body are really painful but the new most important part of me is safe! =)
I just want to stop thinking like "and if"... and enjoy the gift of life that, in my case, has just gotten better every day!!!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
New Life
I've left the warmth of my land to live in the coldness of the "old world". I've got to know a bunch of new things that I never though I would and I'm really happy with this new enviroment.
but.......
theres a but!
It's not easy to get used to the humor of people from a totally different culture, read their "signs", learn what is offensive and what it's not, learn a quitte different language and avoid feeling inferior for coming from a third world country.
I wonder how I'm gonna feel 15 years from now . Maybe I'll never feel like I really belong to this place, but after so much time, I guess it also wont feel like home in Brasil when everybody's life has moved on. Will I become a "Nowhere" woman? landless?
But despite all my fatalism I can say I dont wish to be anywhere else but here!!! #happy
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
++
Lately I've been doing something I had not done for some time... -being happy-
and it feels great! As my inspiration doesn´t come out on happy times I'll post something from someone whose work I really apreciate. old... but still, touching and funny.
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I think the true life cycle is all backwards. We should die first, get rid of it soon.
Hence living in a nursing home, to be kicked out of there for being too young. winning a gold watch and go to work. So you work 40 years untill new enough to be able to enjoy your retirement. Then you enjoy it all, drink enough alcohol, make parties and preparing for college.
You go to college, have several girlfriends, become a child, no responsabilities, your a baby in arms, back to mother's womb, spend your last 9 months of life afloat. And it ends with a great orgasm. Wouldn't be perfect?"
Charlie Chaplin
and it feels great! As my inspiration doesn´t come out on happy times I'll post something from someone whose work I really apreciate. old... but still, touching and funny.
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I think the true life cycle is all backwards. We should die first, get rid of it soon.
Hence living in a nursing home, to be kicked out of there for being too young. winning a gold watch and go to work. So you work 40 years untill new enough to be able to enjoy your retirement. Then you enjoy it all, drink enough alcohol, make parties and preparing for college.
You go to college, have several girlfriends, become a child, no responsabilities, your a baby in arms, back to mother's womb, spend your last 9 months of life afloat. And it ends with a great orgasm. Wouldn't be perfect?"
Charlie Chaplin
Friday, June 11, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
IF...
IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling
Friday, April 23, 2010
forgettable...
ai ai ai
isn't it awful when someone says hi and you have that clumsy smile cause you have no idea where in the earth u saw that person before? yeah... it has happened a lot lately. Maybe because in my job I get in contact with many different people every day or I'm just getting senile and my neurons don't work as before... or maybe, i just didnt give much importance to the person?
who knows...
I saw the movie "2012" sounds quite american with all that patriotism and the hero president who stays to die with people instead of taking place in the airplane that would get him safe... he even makes the last speech to the nation. so touching... lol "God bless America!"
isn't it awful when someone says hi and you have that clumsy smile cause you have no idea where in the earth u saw that person before? yeah... it has happened a lot lately. Maybe because in my job I get in contact with many different people every day or I'm just getting senile and my neurons don't work as before... or maybe, i just didnt give much importance to the person?
who knows...
I saw the movie "2012" sounds quite american with all that patriotism and the hero president who stays to die with people instead of taking place in the airplane that would get him safe... he even makes the last speech to the nation. so touching... lol "God bless America!"
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
...
I' d like to be more than just a passerby on Earth during this short period of time delimited by the day I was born and the day I'll succumb to the fatal event of life, death! Despite the effort, it's not easy to keep a thinking being before so much futile information that, irrefutably, populates the human mind. Internet, Radio, TV... a few sources of empty knowledge that fill our brains.
Questioning about the truths that have been imposed to us is an affront we aren't prepared to face. We are encouraged to think uniformly, following trends that make us just one more alienated in the crowed that is taking big strides to an existential abyss.
Stonehenge, pyramids, and other human creations of the same magnitude are a trace of a more spiritual life in a distant past when the human used to have a conection with nature, unthinkable today. Nowadays, with our thoughts focused only on ourselves, we are slowly loosing our sensitivity. We know the particles of something as small as an atom but we can't notice the pain we cause when we decide to stay away from someone who loves us.
Tolerance is gone. It has never been so increasing the number of people who would rather live alone than share their lives with someone else. The fear of ending life lonely gave raise to the fear of "lack of privacy.
Ironically, as I write this, someone interrupts my thoughts with an instant message. An ex coworker with a questionable character telling me with a Machiavellian pleasure that she has had an affair with a married guy for 2 years. That's the portrait of a society corrupted by excess of selfishness. The pursuit of a happiness that can cost the happiness of another.
I do not believe that perfection is an attribute of human beings but even so we shouldnt stop trying to be better people. I root for that our legacy for the future generations is not as complicated as building a pyramid but has similar greatness and be much more useful! The ability to love and care about other´s pain.
Questioning about the truths that have been imposed to us is an affront we aren't prepared to face. We are encouraged to think uniformly, following trends that make us just one more alienated in the crowed that is taking big strides to an existential abyss.
Stonehenge, pyramids, and other human creations of the same magnitude are a trace of a more spiritual life in a distant past when the human used to have a conection with nature, unthinkable today. Nowadays, with our thoughts focused only on ourselves, we are slowly loosing our sensitivity. We know the particles of something as small as an atom but we can't notice the pain we cause when we decide to stay away from someone who loves us.
Tolerance is gone. It has never been so increasing the number of people who would rather live alone than share their lives with someone else. The fear of ending life lonely gave raise to the fear of "lack of privacy.
Ironically, as I write this, someone interrupts my thoughts with an instant message. An ex coworker with a questionable character telling me with a Machiavellian pleasure that she has had an affair with a married guy for 2 years. That's the portrait of a society corrupted by excess of selfishness. The pursuit of a happiness that can cost the happiness of another.
I do not believe that perfection is an attribute of human beings but even so we shouldnt stop trying to be better people. I root for that our legacy for the future generations is not as complicated as building a pyramid but has similar greatness and be much more useful! The ability to love and care about other´s pain.
...
Eu queria ser bem mais do que um simples transeunte na Terra durante esse curto espaço de tempo delimitado pelo dia em que nasci e o dia em que irei sucumbir ao evento fatal da vida, a morte! Apesar do eforço não é fácil manter-se um ser pensante diante de tanta informação fútil que irremediavelmente povoa a mente humana. Internet, rádio, televisão... não são poucas as fontes de conhecimentos vazios que preenchem nossos cérebros. Questionar sobre as verdades que nos foram impostas é uma afronta a qual não fomos preparados para encarar. Somos incitados a pensar de maneira uniforme, seguindo tendências que nos tornam apenas mais um na multidão de alienados que caminha a passos largos para um abismo existencial.
Stonehenge, pirâmides, entre outras criações humanas de mesma magnitude são traços de uma vida mais espiritualizada em um passado remoto quando o ser humano possuía uma conexão com a natureza impensável nos dias atuais. Hoje, com os nossos pensamentos centrados apenas em nós mesmos, estamos aos poucos perdendo nossa sensibilidade. Possuímos máquinas capazes de prever um abalo císmico, ou de transmitir um evento para qualquer lugar do mundo via satélite mas não sabemos como fazer a diferença na vida de alguém ou não encontramos tempo para tal.
As pessoas não se toleram. Nunca foi tão crescente o número de pessoas que preferem viver sozinhas a dividir a vida com alguém. O medo de terminar a vida sem ninguém deu lugar ao medo da "falta de privacidade".
Ironicamente, enquanto escrevo estas linhas, alguém interrompe meu pensamento com uma mensagem instantânia. Uma ex colega de trabalho de caráter duvidoso me contando com um prazer maquiavélico que há dois anos mantém um caso com um homem casado. É esse o retrato de uma sociedade corrompida pelo excesso de egoísmo. A busca de uma felicidade que pode custar a felicidade do outro.
Não creio que a perfeição seja um atributo do ser humano mas nem por isso devemos parar de tentar ser pessoas melhores. Eu torço pra que o nosso legado para as gerações futuras não seja tão complicado como a construção de uma pirâmide mas que tenha semelhante grandeza e bem mais utilidade!!! a capacidade de amar e de se comover com a dor alheia.
Stonehenge, pirâmides, entre outras criações humanas de mesma magnitude são traços de uma vida mais espiritualizada em um passado remoto quando o ser humano possuía uma conexão com a natureza impensável nos dias atuais. Hoje, com os nossos pensamentos centrados apenas em nós mesmos, estamos aos poucos perdendo nossa sensibilidade. Possuímos máquinas capazes de prever um abalo císmico, ou de transmitir um evento para qualquer lugar do mundo via satélite mas não sabemos como fazer a diferença na vida de alguém ou não encontramos tempo para tal.
As pessoas não se toleram. Nunca foi tão crescente o número de pessoas que preferem viver sozinhas a dividir a vida com alguém. O medo de terminar a vida sem ninguém deu lugar ao medo da "falta de privacidade".
Ironicamente, enquanto escrevo estas linhas, alguém interrompe meu pensamento com uma mensagem instantânia. Uma ex colega de trabalho de caráter duvidoso me contando com um prazer maquiavélico que há dois anos mantém um caso com um homem casado. É esse o retrato de uma sociedade corrompida pelo excesso de egoísmo. A busca de uma felicidade que pode custar a felicidade do outro.
Não creio que a perfeição seja um atributo do ser humano mas nem por isso devemos parar de tentar ser pessoas melhores. Eu torço pra que o nosso legado para as gerações futuras não seja tão complicado como a construção de uma pirâmide mas que tenha semelhante grandeza e bem mais utilidade!!! a capacidade de amar e de se comover com a dor alheia.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Consequences of having fun...
My aunt and her belly
I just got the Good News. One more cousin has been born. A new inhabitant in this almost inhospitable place called Earth! A new passenger in this turbulent, but still amazing trip vulgarly known as Life!!! Wellcome dear!!!
My wish for motherhood has increased lately. Perhaps a warning from my body saying "hey, your gonna be out of time."
Thinking of having a life growing inside me fills my heart with a pleasure I've never felt before. Having a baby must be a different way of loving I havent tryed so far. The weird way of taking care of someone who fully needs my care without expecting any reward back. Maybe a spontaneous smiley... Funny thing is I'm more excited about feeling pregnant than taking care of a baby, which is the inevitable consequence. That must be part of the process of becoming a mother... maybe the maternal instinct emerges in stages?
anyway... something is missing to become possible my female urge...
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
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