Im pregnant!!!18 weeks and 5 days pregnant! I've so dreamed about that and now it happened!!!
Pregnancy brings, besides a baby, a package of fears, insecurities, doubts that make me wonder if Im really ready for that. But who really is...
I'm always wondering if I'm eating the right food, doing the right things to go through the pregnancy safely.

Tuesday I went to work like the other days... I rode my bike to the firm bus stop in the darkness of the winter mornings of this land. At 5pm I sat again in the bus to come back home after a exhausting day. Yes, pregnancy takes ur energy away... On the way back i looked at the landscape through the window and started wondering about death. (been doing this quite often) Just thought... is there really life after this? or is it all nonsense? but if not, what is all this about? all this life around popping out the floor (or vaginas) and thats it? it ends when it ends? it also seems nonsense! and as a kinda religious person, thinking about this makes me feel guilty and scared of God. Anyway...

The driver is a middle aged man who can't even stand erectly. his back is kinda curved. I've noticed he drives kinda dangerously. Fast and dont keep much distance of other cars. I guess I was right about that... At some point of the highway we crashed! Yes!!! I've been living on this earth for almost 30 years but I happened to have a car accident when Im 18 weeks pregnant!

I was sitting right behind the driver with the seat belts fastened. with the impact, my seat went a lil forward. I was in panic and started asking people to get me away from there in my own language, which is portuguese :P when everybody else speaks dutch... guess ur genuinely yourself in a desperate situation. I finally got rid of the seat belts and went to seat somewhere else. A colleague asked: Did your water break? then I noticed my pants were wet! I just got in shock. I could just say... " Please God! don't let me loose this baby!" I called my hubby who was in another city. Jesus! I could have caused him an accident!!! he ran as fast as he could to the hospital i'd be in. He is all I have here, and Id say I have a lot!

the 3 people seating behind didn't have  a thing but the guy next to me seemed to be hurt, the driver and the other man seating next to him too. I've heard the driver got a broken rib. Anyway, I didn't think much about the others, I was "selfishly" ??? thinking about my baby. I was sad, I was nervous but most of all I was angry! Why in Gods name, now??? Seating there with my wet pants crying desperately I just wondered that all my effort to keep my baby healthy during pregnancy had been pointless!

I got to the hospital with pain on my right breast due to the seatbelt. got x ray, blood and urine exam... but all I wanted to know was about the baby. But the ultrasound machine seemed to be busy... time to time someone would come to me and check something and then went to whisper to each other. I just hate these doctor whispers!!! I finally got to examine my baby! the gynecologist didn't see any sign of loose of amniotic fluid. Apparently I peed on my pants :p due to the press of the seat belt on my bladder. I saw the little life inside me and heard his/her fast heartbeats. what a relief!

After 24h in the hospital I'm back home. Some parts of my body are really painful but the new most important part of me is safe! =)

I just want to stop thinking like "and if"... and enjoy the gift of life that, in my case, has just gotten better every day!!!

New Life

I've left the warmth of my land to live in the coldness of the "old world". I've got to know a bunch of new things that I never though I would and I'm really happy with this new enviroment.

but.......

theres a but!

It's not easy to get used to the humor of people from a totally different culture, read their "signs", learn what is offensive and what it's not, learn a quitte different language and avoid feeling inferior for coming from a third world country. 

I wonder how I'm gonna feel 15 years from now . Maybe I'll never feel like I really belong to this place, but after so much time, I guess it also wont feel like home in Brasil when everybody's life has moved on. Will I become a "Nowhere" woman? landless?  

But despite all my fatalism I can say I dont wish to be anywhere else but here!!!  #happy